Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Saturday, February 20, 2010
How did we get here?
I know i haven't had much of a chance to blog and for that i apologize, but tonight, i truly need to vent.
I have never been so mentally drained, confused and emotionally torn apart as i am at this moment. I noticed i have brought myself to this ugly place with him. It seems impossible for us to interact these days without insults and low blows. I am disgusted by some of the things i have said and ways i have acted. As much as he has hurt me (well he more then hurt me, he knowingly plunged the dagger through my heart), the last thing i wanted to do was reciprocate that pain. That isn't me, I'm not that person. Some blame it on what I've been through, others say it's postpartum depression but i think it's confusion. I have done nothing less but try all these months to mend what he broke. Now that he finally seems to be on the same page i am so scared and so confused. I want to make things work but there are things i see about his character that tell me he may say he wants what i want but that doesn't mean he's capable of making it happen. I mean...think about it...when you've lived your whole life being selfish and not having or even wanting to think about anyone but yourself, how easy is it really going to be to make the transition. It's not! You have to really be ready and committed to change to make it happen and even though he wants to i don't think he's truly ready or committed. So as much as i love to be on great terms with him and as much i love to hear the "i love yous" and the "I'm sorrys"...in a way it's just a tease and i know this. I'm so scared that if i attempt to work things out with him and give him a chance that he'll hurt me all over again and press the reset button on my heart. I don't want to be where i was 6 months ago when he left. That was a very dark and sad place. I was the most unhappy i have ever been in my entire life. I didn't think i would be able to stop crying, but I DID! I woke up one day...and i was better...and as each day went by...i became stronger.
Don't get me wrong...if i could be guaranteed that he is truly going to make the change that is needed for us to be a happy family then i would so put everything behind me and push forward. I can't do that because as each day passes it's the little things he does that cause me pain and make me think to myself, WOW! am i really going to willingly put myself through this again? What am i to do...i want a family but i don't want to willingly put my heart on the butcher block to be mutilated again. My mother told me love is a gamble, and you have to be willing to put it all on the line. But let me ask you this...what if you took that chance every time and lost every time...the next time you play, do you go about that poker game with the confidence of winning or do you automatically assume you are going to loose because you haven't won a game yet?
I don't know if i want to gamble at all. The way i view it is like this,
What do i stand to loose being on my own with my son?
Let's consider this, i went through an entire pregnancy ALONE, i went through labor and delivery ALONE and I've been raising my son for the first three weeks of his life so far ALONE...and I'm not broken, I'm just fine.
What do i stand to loose by giving him another chance?
EVERYTHING.
But what if he really is willing to change, how will i ever know. I'm lost, so for now, I'm going with the safe bet because there is no way i can even begin to see him change from where i am. The distance shattered us. I am so upset at the way we interact, and all i can think about as each day passes is "How did we get here?" I really wish everything was different but it would take lot on his part to change our situation and i just don't think he has it in him to make things better between us.
I have never been so mentally drained, confused and emotionally torn apart as i am at this moment. I noticed i have brought myself to this ugly place with him. It seems impossible for us to interact these days without insults and low blows. I am disgusted by some of the things i have said and ways i have acted. As much as he has hurt me (well he more then hurt me, he knowingly plunged the dagger through my heart), the last thing i wanted to do was reciprocate that pain. That isn't me, I'm not that person. Some blame it on what I've been through, others say it's postpartum depression but i think it's confusion. I have done nothing less but try all these months to mend what he broke. Now that he finally seems to be on the same page i am so scared and so confused. I want to make things work but there are things i see about his character that tell me he may say he wants what i want but that doesn't mean he's capable of making it happen. I mean...think about it...when you've lived your whole life being selfish and not having or even wanting to think about anyone but yourself, how easy is it really going to be to make the transition. It's not! You have to really be ready and committed to change to make it happen and even though he wants to i don't think he's truly ready or committed. So as much as i love to be on great terms with him and as much i love to hear the "i love yous" and the "I'm sorrys"...in a way it's just a tease and i know this. I'm so scared that if i attempt to work things out with him and give him a chance that he'll hurt me all over again and press the reset button on my heart. I don't want to be where i was 6 months ago when he left. That was a very dark and sad place. I was the most unhappy i have ever been in my entire life. I didn't think i would be able to stop crying, but I DID! I woke up one day...and i was better...and as each day went by...i became stronger.
Don't get me wrong...if i could be guaranteed that he is truly going to make the change that is needed for us to be a happy family then i would so put everything behind me and push forward. I can't do that because as each day passes it's the little things he does that cause me pain and make me think to myself, WOW! am i really going to willingly put myself through this again? What am i to do...i want a family but i don't want to willingly put my heart on the butcher block to be mutilated again. My mother told me love is a gamble, and you have to be willing to put it all on the line. But let me ask you this...what if you took that chance every time and lost every time...the next time you play, do you go about that poker game with the confidence of winning or do you automatically assume you are going to loose because you haven't won a game yet?
I don't know if i want to gamble at all. The way i view it is like this,
What do i stand to loose being on my own with my son?
Let's consider this, i went through an entire pregnancy ALONE, i went through labor and delivery ALONE and I've been raising my son for the first three weeks of his life so far ALONE...and I'm not broken, I'm just fine.
What do i stand to loose by giving him another chance?
EVERYTHING.
But what if he really is willing to change, how will i ever know. I'm lost, so for now, I'm going with the safe bet because there is no way i can even begin to see him change from where i am. The distance shattered us. I am so upset at the way we interact, and all i can think about as each day passes is "How did we get here?" I really wish everything was different but it would take lot on his part to change our situation and i just don't think he has it in him to make things better between us.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
I will forgive...but i wont forget...
For·give (fr-gv, fôr-) 1. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon. 2. To renounce anger or resentment against.
"Hate is like an acid. It destroys the vessel in which it is stored."- Ann Landers
So...i know i have a million things on my plate that i am going to attempt to accomplish for 2010...but i think i am going to be bold and add one more. FORGIVENESS.
Have you ever noticed, that when you are angry at someone for wronging you and causing you pain, that it is so much easier to resent or hate them then it is to forgive them? It's so much easier to remain angry then it is to take those steps to becoming happy again. Most of the time we don't want to forget because we are naturally programmed to dwell on what is making us unhappy. Well guess what, NEWSFLASH!!!! Hate and resentment are a BURDEN. We bare this burden as a heavy weight on our hearts and minds. We let it cripple us, so at the end of the day, yes, that person might have hurt us, but the only thing keeping us from being happy after the fact, is ourselves. It is our inability to let go of the past and just move forward.
Listen, forgiving the person isn't for them, you're doing this for yourself. Forgiveness equals freedom. Release that burden because at the end of the day, the hate you feel towards that person doesn't harm them in any way. They are moving on with their lives while your dwelling on the "how could they's?" and "why did they?". Don't try to understand it because you'll make yourself crazy trying to come up with the answers and chances are THEY aren't even sure why they did it. Remember...forgiving the person doesn't mean you have to forget or block out what they did, it means you acknowledge it and move forward and leave those hurt feelings in the past where they belong.
This is my gift to you, i came across these 9 steps toward forgiveness on learningtoforgive.com and i thought i should share them with you in this blog.
1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes - or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.
5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.
I love step #8. "Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge". Ain't that the truth!!! So from this point on...a life well lived is the only kind of life i see for myself in the future. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME ANYMORE. I pity the day you awake from your dream and see what a big mistake you have made, one that is irreversible. As for me, i officially, forgive you, or I will at least spend the next year trying to...Rome wasn't built in day...
"Hate is like an acid. It destroys the vessel in which it is stored."- Ann Landers
So...i know i have a million things on my plate that i am going to attempt to accomplish for 2010...but i think i am going to be bold and add one more. FORGIVENESS.
Have you ever noticed, that when you are angry at someone for wronging you and causing you pain, that it is so much easier to resent or hate them then it is to forgive them? It's so much easier to remain angry then it is to take those steps to becoming happy again. Most of the time we don't want to forget because we are naturally programmed to dwell on what is making us unhappy. Well guess what, NEWSFLASH!!!! Hate and resentment are a BURDEN. We bare this burden as a heavy weight on our hearts and minds. We let it cripple us, so at the end of the day, yes, that person might have hurt us, but the only thing keeping us from being happy after the fact, is ourselves. It is our inability to let go of the past and just move forward.
Listen, forgiving the person isn't for them, you're doing this for yourself. Forgiveness equals freedom. Release that burden because at the end of the day, the hate you feel towards that person doesn't harm them in any way. They are moving on with their lives while your dwelling on the "how could they's?" and "why did they?". Don't try to understand it because you'll make yourself crazy trying to come up with the answers and chances are THEY aren't even sure why they did it. Remember...forgiving the person doesn't mean you have to forget or block out what they did, it means you acknowledge it and move forward and leave those hurt feelings in the past where they belong.
This is my gift to you, i came across these 9 steps toward forgiveness on learningtoforgive.com and i thought i should share them with you in this blog.
1. Know exactly how you feel about what happened and be able to articulate what about the situation is not OK. Then, tell a trusted couple of people about your experience.
2. Make a commitment to yourself to do what you have to do to feel better. Forgiveness is for you and not for anyone else.
3. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean reconciliation with the person that hurt you, or condoning of their action. What you are after is to find peace. Forgiveness can be defined as the "peace and understanding that come from blaming that which has hurt you less, taking the life experience less personally, and changing your grievance story."
4. Get the right perspective on what is happening. Recognize that your primary distress is coming from the hurt feelings, thoughts and physical upset you are suffering now, not what offended you or hurt you two minutes - or ten years -ago. Forgiveness helps to heal those hurt feelings.
5. At the moment you feel upset practice a simple stress management technique to soothe your body's flight or fight response.
6. Give up expecting things from other people, or your life , that they do not choose to give you. Recognize the "unenforceable rules" you have for your health or how you or other people must behave. Remind yourself that you can hope for health, love, peace and prosperity and work hard to get them.
7. Put your energy into looking for another way to get your positive goals met than through the experience that has hurt you. Instead of mentally replaying your hurt seek out new ways to get what you want.
8. Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge. Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, and thereby giving the person who caused you pain power over you, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you. Forgiveness is about personal power.
9. Amend your grievance story to remind you of the heroic choice to forgive.
I love step #8. "Remember that a life well lived is your best revenge". Ain't that the truth!!! So from this point on...a life well lived is the only kind of life i see for myself in the future. YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME ANYMORE. I pity the day you awake from your dream and see what a big mistake you have made, one that is irreversible. As for me, i officially, forgive you, or I will at least spend the next year trying to...Rome wasn't built in day...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Music Heals The Soul...
I really dig this song...but the video...mmmmmm...not so much...lol Wish we could have seen Keri more glammed up...
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
The ART on my feet...(i wish!)
Every woman loves shoes. If you are like me and my girls, WE LIVE FOR A BEAUTIFUL PAIR OF HEELS!!! Check out these new 2010 Spring shoe lines from some of my favorite designers...
Ruthie Davis
Hermes
Givenchy
Alexander McQueen <3
Versace
John Galliano
Ruthie Davis
Hermes
Givenchy
Alexander McQueen <3
Versace
John Galliano
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