How did we get here?

I know i haven't had much of a chance to blog and for that i apologize, but tonight, i truly need to vent.
I have never been so mentally drained, confused and emotionally torn apart as i am at this moment. I noticed i have brought myself to this ugly place with him. It seems impossible for us to interact these days without insults and low blows. I am disgusted by some of the things i have said and ways i have acted. As much as he has hurt me (well he more then hurt me, he knowingly plunged the dagger through my heart), the last thing i wanted to do was reciprocate that pain. That isn't me, I'm not that person. Some blame it on what I've been through, others say it's postpartum depression but i think it's confusion. I have done nothing less but try all these months to mend what he broke. Now that he finally seems to be on the same page i am so scared and so confused. I want to make things work but there are things i see about his character that tell me he may say he wants what i want but that doesn't mean he's capable of making it happen. I mean...think about it...when you've lived your whole life being selfish and not having or even wanting to think about anyone but yourself, how easy is it really going to be to make the transition. It's not! You have to really be ready and committed to change to make it happen and even though he wants to i don't think he's truly ready or committed. So as much as i love to be on great terms with him and as much i love to hear the "i love yous" and the "I'm sorrys"...in a way it's just a tease and i know this. I'm so scared that if i attempt to work things out with him and give him a chance that he'll hurt me all over again and press the reset button on my heart. I don't want to be where i was 6 months ago when he left. That was a very dark and sad place. I was the most unhappy i have ever been in my entire life. I didn't think i would be able to stop crying, but I DID! I woke up one day...and i was better...and as each day went by...i became stronger.

Don't get me wrong...if i could be guaranteed that he is truly going to make the change that is needed for us to be a happy family then i would so put everything behind me and push forward. I can't do that because as each day passes it's the little things he does that cause me pain and make me think to myself, WOW! am i really going to willingly put myself through this again? What am i to do...i want a family but i don't want to willingly put my heart on the butcher block to be mutilated again. My mother told me love is a gamble, and you have to be willing to put it all on the line. But let me ask you this...what if you took that chance every time and lost every time...the next time you play, do you go about that poker game with the confidence of winning or do you automatically assume you are going to loose because you haven't won a game yet?

I don't know if i want to gamble at all. The way i view it is like this,

What do i stand to loose being on my own with my son?
Let's consider this, i went through an entire pregnancy ALONE, i went through labor and delivery ALONE and I've been raising my son for the first three weeks of his life so far ALONE...and I'm not broken, I'm just fine.

What do i stand to loose by giving him another chance?
EVERYTHING.

But what if he really is willing to change, how will i ever know. I'm lost, so for now, I'm going with the safe bet because there is no way i can even begin to see him change from where i am. The distance shattered us. I am so upset at the way we interact, and all i can think about as each day passes is "How did we get here?" I really wish everything was different but it would take lot on his part to change our situation and i just don't think he has it in him to make things better between us.