Wake up call...

I literally had to pry myself out of bed this morning. I couldn't even muster the energy to begin my day. I know when you become a parent, everyone tells you, BE PREPARED TO MAKE SACRIFICES, but i don't think i was prepared for what i experienced last night. So you can have a better understanding of just how overextended i am at the moment, let me break down my daily routine for you. I get up every morning, i go to school from 8am until 1pm, I then rush to my part time job and i remain there from 1:30 until 5 (and i make nowhere near enough money to even pay one of my expenses),and after work on certain days of the week when I'm not utterly exhausted, i go to the studio because i am currently working on completing a demo to distribute to agencies and labels sometime this summer. OH, and i do all of this and I'm just a little over 7 months pregnant. Sigh. And last night was the first time ever, that i felt, all of my efforts were pretty much in vein.

My mother, being the wonderful woman that she is, has picked up my monthly bills and expenses to help me accomplish all of these things during my pregnancy. I hated the idea from the beginning. I'm so use to providing for myself and being independent, and let me tell you, my monthly expenses are not light. I have a car payment, car insurance, phone bill, medical bills, plus baby expenses (this is my first child so I'm doing everything from scratch). So my mom has been juggling all of those expenses i listed along with her own. It's horrible. I wish i could do more, i feel so helpless sometimes. I didn't know how much it was truly affecting her until i walked in on her yesterday evening doing something i have never witnessed her do ever before in her life. I watched helplessly as she cried on the phone to creditors begging them not to repo our cars. I almost died. I know we live in hard economic times, and i know we were somewhat affected by it as well, but i never really knew to what extent.

You see, my mother is a proud woman, and because i am pregnant and stressed enough as it is, she would never tell me she was having problems balancing things out. She didn't want to let me down. I can only hope to be half of the mom my mom is. So, because we live in "the middle of nowhere" central Pennsylvania (i moved to my mom's home when Houdini disappeared and i was almost 3 months pregnant), a car is a necessity. You cant get ANYWHERE, not even to the gas station without a car. This isn't New York where you can walk to the nearest bodega or hop on the bus and train to get around, this is something serious. So, i made a sacrifice, I'm going to give up my car. It was the first item of real value i was able to purchase for myself on my own. It was my first achievement. I got the car brand new in 2005 and have been working hard for the last 4 years to keep and maintain it and now, all of that hard work and responsibility gone, down the drain. But at the end, my mom will get to keep her car, and that's two less expenses she will have to worry about (deduct car insurance as well, wont need it if i don't have a vehicle).

I guess in the end, it's just a material item, not really worth shedding any tears over, but it really meant something to me. But, like they say, when you become a parent, you have to be prepared to make sacrifices. At the end of the day, I'll have less to worry about and I'll be able to focus more of my energy toward providing for my son. When it comes down to it, that's all that really matters right now. I just want to end this blog by saying, MOM, I truly love you, and there is nothing you could ever do that would let me down. You are my inspiration to becoming the BEST MOTHER i could possibly be. Thank you for all you have done and all you will continue to do. I APPRECIATE YOU. I'm just going to remain positive. I know my time is coming soon. A break has to be headed my way for all my efforts and the efforts of those around me who are trying to help me succeed.

Thank you.