Where shall i begin...

...for starters...i go by a few names: Mom, Nickole and Nikki Fresh. I am a 24 year old aspiring singer/songwriter with a big dream and an even bigger heart. Let me not forget to mention that i am also 7 months pregnant and anxiously awaiting the arrival of my greatest achievement in life; my son Avery. I chose to begin these blogs to let my stories sing out to the world. Over the past 2 years, i have gone through what feels like a whirlwind of LIFE in a short amount of time. So, i figured, what better way to let out all of my compiled emotions then through words and paragraphs. So lets go back into time...to the summer of 2008. I was a carefree girl, working as a paralegal in midtown Manhattan, living with my best friends parents in New York (the Bronx where i was born and raised) and having the time of my life; single, no worries and oblivious to the world. I wasn't looking to find "Mr.Right" or even date, i was happy mingling and having fun without any attachments. You see, i had just ended an engagement 1 year prior, so i wasn't looking to get tied down again anytime soon, or so i thought.

Have you ever been wandering through life, not paying attention and then all of a sudden BAM! something unexpected happens and throws your whole WORLD out of whack? Well, that's how i describe the day i met "him". Lets give "him" a name for the sake of the blog, lets call him Houdini (if the shoe fits...lol). The best way i can describe my first impression of him is "out of this world". Literally...he was weird but talented, different yet familiar, it was as if in some weird way fate brought us together and introduced me that day to the mirror image of myself. We had all the same dreams and passions, he made me laugh, and best of all he totally understood what made me tick. As a musician, its hard to find people who just get you and your love for music. So...I'm going to fast forward past some of the nitty gritty and get straight to the part where...Houdini and i...we fall in love. That's the beginning of the end to what i saw as stability.

Love is amazing ladies and gents, it's so easy to fall into, but impossible to escape once it has its dirty claws clenched deep within your heart. It's an addiction, and the hardest to kick. At first...i was blissfully happy, but as i got to know him better and he opened up to me more, i began to see this wasn't going to be what i expected. This was not going to be the type of love i was familiar with and knew from my past, this was something else, something brand new i had never experienced before, this...could hurt me. You see, the man i thought i knew began to peel away his layers the deeper we fell. It turned out he was someone completely different; he went from kind to cold, sacrificial to selfish. It was as if our whole relationship was his biggest magic trick. He sure fooled me, and i was nothing more then his muse. Unfortunately, i was so deeply in love, i couldnt see past what i wanted him to be. I was in denial, i didnt want to admit that i had been fooled like so many before me. So, i made the biggest mistake of my life, i settled. I pretended to be happy, when i wasnt, i smiled when i really wanted to scream, i laughed when i felt i could break down crying, i became an emotional mess wondering if that guy, that wonderful guy would ever make an appearance on my stage again. Instead, everyday things got a little more intolerable, and still i couldnt make a break for it...i was hooked. I had become his junky. At this point i was already tolerating his emotional outbursts, harsh words, disapearing acts, his one track mind, his secrets, his lies...you name it...i was experiencing it all. It only got worse 7 months ago, the day i found out, i was pregnant.

At first, he tried his best to be caring and thoughful, but it was only a matter of time before his self centered core kicked in and brought him back to his reality. Caring? Loving? Thoughtful? Nope...those traits turned into scared, irresponsible and too much to deal with. It was too much to handle, to much reality for his 29 year old brain to understand and comprehend. Besides, he had a dream remember, and he wasnt about to give that up or put that on hold for anyone, not even his own son. So he did what he did best, found an excuse, and deserted me when i needed him most to go fulfill his career, his dream, while mine seemed to just fade away slowly. And thats how it all began, my strength, my change in character. For a month i dwelled on "how could he?" or "why would he?". I tried so hard to understand, but i couldnt, because i am one of those people who are incapable of being cold or selfish. I am one of those people, unfortanately, who would help everyone in the world if she could and put a smile on every single person's face. Im the type of person who drops everything when you need me, im also the type of person that so easily forgives and forgets because i have this naive view on life that everyone has it in them to be better if given the chance. Worst of all, i'm the type of person that when i LOVE, i love HARD! So, i never understood why, and i probably never will...but through him i was inspired. Inspired to go back to school, inspired to get a job, inspired to still pursue my dreams as a singer/songwritter and most of all i was inspired to be a better person, a better rolemodel, for my son. Through these blogs i will tell of my adventures, my up and my downs, my loves and my hates, my roadblocks and my achievements. I will be as honest as possible because i feel like life has just begun. I hope you enjoy.